I keep on disappearing from LJ and I don't know how to stop.
It's just. I feel like I've lost all and any creative drive I ever had, including the urge to write entries or make icons or think about stories, and granted, those are hardly creative activities at all, but it was what I enjoyed, and now there isn't even that anymore. I'm not quite sure what happened, but it makes me sad.
I came to college with a very defined personality. There were things I believed in and things I didn't and I knew exactly where I stood with various issues. (I can't think of particular examples; this is just a general impression.) Now, it is as though my edges have softened
, as though I'd once drawn an outline of a personality around myself and now the colors are bleeding past the lines. I feel smudged.
Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe this is the process of coming to understand how little qualified I was to be so set in my views at such an early stage. And maybe a great deal of my personality had been a byproduct of some positive feedback loop in which I adjusted my behavior, to some extent or other, to match how people perceived me.
Anyway, anyway, maybe I'll more normal someday. Meanwhile, here's a really prettily illustrated, creepy story in the spirit of the-day-after-Halloween: "His Face All Red
" by Emily Carroll.
Also some awesome pictures of my school that an alumnus took. (Which makes me think of how, sometimes, the real power of photography isn't in its ability to depict reality
, per se, but some heightened version of it. But that isn't here or there.) ( ...Collapse )